can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
