sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
