Screwed.edu
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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