dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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