my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
