Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
