Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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