I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
