Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
