Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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