Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
