Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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