Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
