Need sex. Gaining weight.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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