Quick, to the slutcave!
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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