Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
