Reggie can tackle my bush.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
