I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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