The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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