I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
