yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize