I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
