The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Say something about gay babies.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
