After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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