I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
