happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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