She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
