Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
