Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
