if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
