it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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