oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
