I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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