Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
