I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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