she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Randomize
