I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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