I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
