last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
