I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
i now understand why vodka
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
