No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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