I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Holy sore nipples Batman
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize