so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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