end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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