Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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