what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize