It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
