turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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