She is in my trunk
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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