There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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