Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
