We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
