News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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