Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
