***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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