Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
