I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
